Attachment Parenting Are you an "Attachment Parent"? By Jennifer Scoby Some of you would answer that question with an emphatic "Yes!" But some of you might repeat the question to yourself and say, "I don't know - I think so - am I?" or, "I don't think so. I don't practice all of the AP ideals".
I am often contacted by confused parents like a mother who recently asked, "I no longer breastfeed my baby, I try to babywear, I like the idea of having an attached relationship and using positive discipline...is it OK to practice some of the ideals and not others? Am I still welcome among your group of attachment parents?" After talking with people like her I find myself struck by the possibility that many more parents could be disillusioned about what it fundamentally means to be an attachment parent and where they fall into the parenting philosophy spectrum. How many parents are out there wondering - "Where do I fit in"?
Attachment parenting isn't about how often we take our children on outings or how many minutes a day we spend reading to them or even whether we use a stroller or a sling, cosleeper or crib.
As far as I'm concerned you can practice most of the ideals of attachment parenting - babywearing, breastfeeding, cosleeping, limiting separations, etc. and still not be an attachment parent if you don't let yourself get emotionally attached to your baby or child. Or you can choose to practice almost none of these ideals and still be an attachment parent if you do form a genuine emotional connection.
I'm not talking about whether you love your children or how much. If you're even reading this, I'm sure you love your children. What I'm talking about is a deep mutual understanding and knowledge...about empathy. Attachment forms when we take the time to really get to know our children, from their favorite games, to their persistent fears, to their most cherished expressions of our love for them. It happens when we allow ourselves to cross over into their world, into their shoes, to feel what they feel and to respect those feelings as being every bit as important as our own. Attachment parenting isn't about how often we take our children on outings, or how many minutes a day we spend reading to them, or even whether we use a stroller or a sling, cosleeper or crib. It's about being in tune with who they are and what they need.
About placing a priority not just on their physical health, but their emotional health, and recognizing the importance that parenting has in reaching that goal.
Attachment parenting in today's western society takes something else too, faith in our ability to parent our own children and a reliance on our inner knowledge of our children to guide us in raising them. Mainstream thinking in our corner of the world has not yet evolved to embrace the importance of a solid foundation of peaceful attachment for optimal child development or to understand the damage caused to children whose emotional needs are trivialized. Parenting resources still abound with one-size-fits-all child-raising rules and fix-it-all solutions that neither respect the child nor the parent-child relationship. Who knows your child best? You do, right? This is true especially if you have a strong attached relationship. And who knows how to parent your child best? You do, of course. Not your mother-in-law, not your best friend, not your pediatrician, Dr. Phil, or the latest advice-giving expert. Every person on this planet is unique, physically and emotionally, and every child has unique needs that change as they grow. Listen to your child and to what your relationship and deep knowledge of your child tell you to do, and politely shrug off any well-meaning advice to the contrary.
De-feather all of the talk about attachment parenting and you'll find that it's really about just one thing - connection. A true connection fosters mutual sensitivity, understanding and trust, essential ingredients for a strong positive relationship. With The
connection like this, the ride that is parenting, with all of its sunshine and its storms, is a more enjoyable and more successful journey for both the child and the parent. Our attached relationship with our children guides us as we escort them from their days as needy infants, along the twists, bumps, calms, chills and thrills of their childhood, adolescence and young adulthood to the great plateau of their adulthood. With their hearts and minds full from a lifetime of basking in our support, our children can carry with them the tools they need to form their own true connections with the rest of the world.
And it's pretty hard not to form a strong connection and get to know your child really well when you do breastfeed, spend lots of time with them, wear or carry them everywhere you go, are available to them all night, use positive discipline and practice the other ideals of attachment parenting. These are the tools that enhance the quintessential ideal of attachment parenting, Emotional Responsiveness.
If you are a parent who trusts your instincts to nurture, who gets behind your children's eyes and into their heads,
tries to understand what it is like to live from their perspective and really gets to know them...if you ask yourself, "how would I feel if I were in my child's place and how would I want to be treated?" If you strive to have the kind of connection between you and your child that brings out the best in both of you, and work to understand your child's needs and to help her feel her best, you are an attachment parent. And as an attachment parent, you not only love your children, you love being with them, learning with them, and building on that attached relationship for a lifetime.
| Tantrums, Fussing and Whining
from The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007) by Elizabeth Pantley
If you ask parents to list the most frustrating discipline problems during early childhood, you would find that these three items appear on every list. All children master their own version of these behaviors – every parent has to deal with them!
Controlling their emotions
Most often these behaviors are caused by a child’s inability to express or control his emotions. Tiredness, hunger, boredom, frustration and other causes that ignite The Big Three can frequently be avoided or modified. When your child begins a meltdown, try to determine if you can tell what underlying issue is causing the problem. Solve that problem and you’ll likely have your sweet child back again.
Handling tantrums, fussing and whining
No matter how diligent you are in recognizing trigger causes, your child will still have meltdown moments. Or even meltdown days. The following tips can help you handle those inevitable bumps in the road. Be flexible and practice those solutions that seem to bring the best results.
Offer choices
You may be able to avoid problems by giving your child more of a say in his life. You can do this by offering choices. Instead of saying, “Get ready for bed right now,” which may provoke a tantrum, offer a choice, “What would you like to do first, put on your pajamas or brush your teeth?” Children who are busy deciding things are often happy.
Get eye-to-eye
When you make a request from a distance your child will likely ignore you. Noncompliance creates stress, which leads to fussing and tantrums – from both of you. Instead, get down to your child’s level, look him in the eye and make clear, concise requests. This will catch his full attention.
Tell him what you DO want
Instead of focusing on misbehavior and what you don’t want him to do, explain exactly what you’d like your child to do or say instead. Give him simple instructions to follow.
Validate his feelings
Help your child identify and understand her emotions. Give words to her feelings, “You’re sad. You want to stay here and play. I know.” This doesn’t mean you must give in to her request, but letting her know that you understand her problem may be enough to help her calm down.
Teach the Quiet Bunny
When children get worked up, their physiological symptoms keep them in an agitated state. You can teach your child how to relax and then use this approach when fussing begins.
You can start each morning or end each day with a brief relaxation session. Have your child sit or lie comfortably with eyes closed. Tell a story that he’s a quiet bunny. Name body parts (feet, legs, tummy, etc.) and have your child wiggle it, and then relax it.
Once your child is familiar with this process you can call upon it at times when he is agitated. Crouch down to your child’s level, put your hands on his shoulders, look him in the eye and say, let’s do our Quiet Bunny. And then talk him through the process. Over time, just mentioning it and asking him to close his eyes will bring relaxation.
Distract and involve
Children can easily be distracted when a new activity is suggested. If your child is whining or fussing try viewing it as an “activity” that your child is engaged in. Since children aren’t very good multi-taskers you might be able to end the unpleasant activity with the recommendation of something different to do.
Invoke his imagination
If a child is upset about something, it can help to vocalize his fantasy of what he wishes would happen: “I bet you wish we could buy every single toy in this store.” This can become a fun game.
Use the preventive approach
Review desired behavior prior to leaving the house, or when entering a public building, or before you begin a playdate. This might prevent the whining or tantrum from even beginning. Put your comments in the positive (tell what you want, not what you don’t want) and be specific.
When it’s over, it’s over
After an episode of misbehavior is finished you can let it go and move on. Don’t feel you must teach a lesson by withholding your approval, love or company. Children bounce right back, and it is okay for you to bounce right back, too.
*Excerpted with permission by McGraw-Hill Publishing from The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007) by Elizabeth Pantley http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth
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